The Secret Behind Eliezer's Success as a Shadchan
Few would dispute that the Jewish world today faces a shidduch crisis. Despite the tremendous effort and resources devoted to helping singles find suitable spouses, the difficulties persist. But what if one of the most important lessons about shidduchim has been hiding in plain sight all along?
Of all the parashiot in the Torah, Chayei Sarah stands out for its extraordinary attention to finding a shidduch. An entire chapter is devoted to finding a wife for Yitzchak. Much of the story is even repeated when Eliezer recounts his mission to Rivkah's family. Chazal famously teach (Bereshit Rabbah 60:8): יָפָה שִׂיחָתָן שֶׁל עַבְדֵי בָּתֵּי אָבוֹת מִתּוֹרָתָן שֶׁל בָּנִים (The conversation of the servants of the households of the Patriarchs is more precious than the Torah of their descendants).
Yet something else stands out. The central figure in this extraordinary account is neither Yitzchak nor Rivkah. It is Eliezer, the shadchan. The Torah follows his every step, from receiving Avraham's instructions to finding Rivkah and securing her family's consent. There is clearly something important to learn from the man entrusted with this mission. But what was the secret of his remarkable success?
Before examining Eliezer's mission more closely, we need to appreciate who he was. The Torah introduces him with these words (Bereshit 24:2): וַיֹּאמֶר אַבְרָהָם אֶל־עַבְדּוֹ זְקַן בֵּיתוֹ הַמֹּשֵׁל בְּכׇל־אֲשֶׁר־לוֹ (And Avraham said to his servant, the elder of his household, who governed everything he possessed). Was Eliezer merely a trusted servant who managed Avraham's affairs, or was there something more to his extraordinary standing? The Gemara says (Yoma 28b): אֱלִיעֶזֶר עֶבֶד אַבְרָהָם, זָקֵן וְיוֹשֵׁב בִּישִׁיבָה הָיָה (Eliezer, the servant of Avraham, was an Elder who sat in yeshivah). R' Elazar says about him: שֶׁמּוֹשֵׁל בְּתוֹרַת רַבּוֹ (That he mastered the Torah of his Rav). But not only that. He says that the word the Torah uses to describe him, i.e., דַּמֶּשֶׂק [Dammesek], is a contraction describing someone: שֶׁדּוֹלֶה וּמַשְׁקֶה מִתּוֹרָתוֹ שֶׁל רַבּוֹ לַאֲחֵרִים (Who draws and gives drink to others from the Torah of his Rav). This means that not only was he a great talmid of Avraham, he had internalized Avraham's Torah so well that he was able to teach it to others. The Midrash teaches something even more astonishing (Bereshit Rabbah 59:8): שֶׁהָיָה שַׁלִּיט בְּיִצְרוֹ כְּמוֹתוֹ (That he ruled over his yetzer, just as [Avraham] did). Eliezer clearly did not lack da'at. And this is what makes the personal challenges he would face in carrying out Avraham's mission so significant.
Avraham instructs Eliezer to travel to his homeland to find a wife for Yitzchak. But Chazal reveal that Eliezer had a deeply personal interest in the outcome. When he recounts his conversation with Avraham, he says (Bereshit 24:39): אֻלַי לֹא־תֵלֵךְ הָאִשָּׁה אַחֲרָי (Perhaps the woman will not follow me). Rashi writes that the word אֻלַי [perhaps] could have been written as אוּלַי, but without the vav, the word could be vocalized as אֵלַי [to me]. He explains: בַּת הָיְתָה לוֹ לֶאֱלִיעֶזֶר, וְהָיָה מְחַזֵּר לִמְצֹא עִלָּה שֶׁיֹּאמַר לוֹ אַבְרָהָם לִפְנוֹת אֵלָיו לְהַשִּׂיאוֹ בִּתּוֹ (Eliezer had a daughter, and he was seeking to find a pretext so that Avraham would tell him to turn to him to marry his daughter). Eliezer was not just concerned that the woman might refuse to accompany him. He was hoping that such a refusal might open the possibility of Yitzchak marrying his own daughter. But Avraham rejected that possibility. Rashi records his response (Bereshit 24:39): בְּנִי בָרוּךְ וְאַתָּה אָרוּר וְאֵין אָרוּר מִדַּבֵּק בְּבָרוּךְ (My son is blessed, and you are cursed, and the cursed cannot cleave to the blessed). Why did Avraham consider him cursed? Because the Midrash says that Eliezer was none other than Cana'an (Bereshit Rabbah 59:9 and 60:7), the very person whom Noach cursed.
Here was a man who had devoted himself to Avraham, mastered his Torah, taught it to others, and attained extraordinary spiritual refinement. Yet Avraham told him that his daughter could not marry Yitzchak because he was cursed. Eliezer therefore faced something far more demanding than an ordinary assignment. To accomplish Avraham's mission, he would have to pursue a marriage whose success meant surrendering his own deeply personal hopes.
But Eliezer's difficulties didn't end there. Rashi explains what Avraham meant when he said that there was a possibility that the woman might not want to come with him (Bereshit 24:8): וְקַח לוֹ אִשָּׁה מִבְּנוֹת עָנֵר אֶשְׁכּוֹל וּמַמְרֵא (And take a wife for him from the daughters of Aner, Eshkol, and Mamre). Eliezer's daughter was rejected out of hand because he was cursed, yet Aner, Eshkol, and Mamre's daughters were acceptable? They themselves were Emorites (Bereshit 14:13), descendants of Cana'an (Bereshit 10:16)! So why should their daughters be acceptable for Yitzchak while Eliezer's daughter was not?
But there was another difficulty. Avraham, who had devoted his life to opposing avodah zarah, sent Eliezer to find a wife for Yitzchak among idol worshippers! When Lavan invites Eliezer inside, he says (Bereshit 24:31): וְאָנֹכִי פִּנִּיתִי הַבַּיִת (I have cleared the house). Rashi says that he had cleared his house מֵעֲבוֹדַת אֱלִילִים (of idols). Not only that, but Lavan and Betu'el were resha'im (Rashi on Bereshit 25:20). So imagine being sent to arrange a marriage for Yitzchak in such a household, while your own daughter was considered unsuitable!
Taken together, these circumstances might have given Eliezer considerable reason to reject Avraham's instructions. Yet whatever questions he may have had, he did not argue with Avraham; rather, he swore that he would faithfully carry out his instructions (Bereshit 24:9). And notice how he identified himself in his tefillah when he arrived at the well (Bereshit 24:12): יְיָ אֱלֹקֵי אֲדֹנִי אַבְרָהָם הַקְרֵה־נָא לְפָנַי הַיּוֹם וַעֲשֵׂה־חֶסֶד עִם אֲדֹנִי אַבְרָהָם (Hashem, G‑d of my master Avraham, please arrange things before me today and perform chesed with my master Avraham). Not only did he not pray for what he personally wanted, but he specifically prayed for the success of Avraham's mission – even though that success would end his hope that Yitzchak would marry his own daughter. But how could Eliezer pray wholeheartedly for something that went against his own deepest hopes? R' Avigdor Nebenzahl answers in his shiur on Parashat Chayei Sarah (5781): לַמְרוֹת שֶׁהָיָה רוֹצֶה שֶׁמִּשְׁפַּחַת אַבְרָהָם תְּסָרֵב לָתֵת אִשָּׁה לְיִצְחָק, וְאָז אוּלַי יִשָּׂא יִצְחָק אֶת בִּתּוֹ שֶׁלּוֹ – הוּא מְבַטֵּל אֶת דַּעְתּוֹ מִפְּנֵי דַּעַת אֲדוֹנוֹ, וּמִתְפַּלֵּל מֵעֹמֶק לִבּוֹ שֶׁיי יִשְׁלַח לְיִצְחָק אִשָּׁה מַתְאִימָה (Although he wanted Avraham's family to refuse to give a wife to Yitzchak, so that perhaps Yitzchak would marry his own daughter, he was mevatel his own da'at before the da'at of his master and prayed from the depths of his heart that Hashem would send Yitzchak a suitable wife). And then he adds an interesting observation that supports this conclusion: Eliezer's name is never mentioned in the parashah. He is just the nameless servant. Why? Because he nullified himself before the will of Avraham.
What Eliezer achieved through his extraordinary bitul to Avraham is precisely what R' Nachman teaches in Likutei Moharan 123: הָעִקָּר וְהַיְסוֹד, שֶׁהַכֹּל תָּלוּי בּוֹ – לְקַשֵּׁר עַצְמוֹ לְהַצַּדִּיק שֶׁבַּדּוֹר, וּלְקַבֵּל דְּבָרָיו … וּלְסַלֵּק דַּעְתּוֹ כְּאִלּוּ אֵין לוֹ שׁוּם שֵׂכֶל בִּלְעֲדֵי אֲשֶׁר יְקַבֵּל מֵהַצַּדִּיק וְהָרַב שֶׁבַּדּוֹר (The essence and foundation that everything depends on is to bind oneself to the Tzaddik ha-Dor, and to accept his words … and to remove his da'at as if he had no seichel other than what he will receive from the Tzaddik and Rav of the generation). Regardless of how great Eliezer was, he did not allow his da'at to stand in opposition to the da'at of the Tzaddik ha-Dor. And herein lies the secret of his remarkable success. His bitul was not merely another admirable quality in an already extraordinary man. It was the very key to his success as a shadchan. He succeeded not simply because of his own wisdom and abilities, but davka because he was willing to be mevatel to the Tzaddik ha-Dor.
But his bitul did far more than enable him to succeed in his mission. Recall that Avraham had told him: בְּנִי בָרוּךְ וְאַתָּה אָרוּר (My son is blessed, and you are cursed). Yet when Eliezer arrives at Rivkah's home, Lavan greets him with these words (Bereshit 24:31): בּוֹא בְּרוּךְ יְיָ (Come, blessed of Hashem). The Tzaddik ha-Dor called him cursed, while Lavan the Rasha called him blessed! That is no coincidence. The Midrash explains (Bereshit Rabbah 60:7): אָמַר רַבִּי יוֹסֵי בַּר דּוֹסָא כְּנַעַן הוּא אֱלִיעֶזֶר, וְעַל יְדֵי שֶׁשֵּׁרַת אוֹתוֹ צַדִּיק בֶּאֱמוּנָה יָצָא מִכְּלַל אָרוּר לִכְלַל בָּרוּךְ (R' Yosi bar Dosa said: Cana'an is Eliezer, and because he served that Tzaddik with emunah, he went from the category of 'cursed' to the category of 'blessed'). Through his faithful service to Avraham, Eliezer had overcome the very curse that had prevented his daughter from marrying Yitzchak.
But his elevation didn't stop there. It is written in Derech Eretz Zuta 1:18 that Eliezer was one of the nine (or ten) individuals who entered Gan Eden without dying. R' Nebenzahl suggests that this may have been the direct result of his mission to find a wife for Yitzchak: אוּלַי בִּגְלַל שֶׁבְּמַעֲשֶׂה זֶה הִתְגַּבֵּר עַל רְצוֹנוֹ בְּאֹפֶן מֻפְלָא כָּל כָּךְ וּבִטֵּל אֶת כָּל רְצוֹנוֹתָיו לִרְצוֹנוֹ שֶׁל אַבְרָהָם אָבִינוּ, בְּכָךְ הִשְׁלִים אֶת תַּפְקִידוֹ בָּעוֹלָם, וְנִכְנַס חַי לְגַן עֵדֶן (Perhaps because, in this deed, he overcame his own will in such an extraordinary manner and nullified all his desires before the will of Avraham Avinu, he thereby completed his mission in this world and entered Gan Eden alive).
And so we return to the shidduch crisis with which we began. Despite the enormous effort devoted to helping secure shidduchim, the difficulties persist. But the Torah's account of Eliezer reveals what might be the missing ingredient: the willingness of shadchanim to be mevatel their own da'at to the da'at of the Tzaddik ha-Dor.
And this lesson extends far beyond shidduchim. How often do we encounter situations in which our own understanding seems to conflict with the da'at of the Tzaddik? Like Eliezer, we may have compelling reasons for believing we're right. Yet rather than going against Avraham, Eliezer surrendered his own da'at to that of the Tzaddik. And through that bitul, he not only succeeded in his mission, but underwent an extraordinary spiritual transformation, rising from 'cursed' to 'blessed', and ultimately meriting to enter Gan Eden without dying.
Eliezer teaches us that the secret of genuine success is not necessarily found in what we know, how much we understand, or how capable we may be. Sometimes, the greatest heights are attained davka when we relinquish our own da'at and become capable of receiving the higher da'at of the Tzaddik.
